I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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