I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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