My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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