I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
