I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
love makes seman taste better
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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