I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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