Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
