I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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