Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I would ride that face into the sunset
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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