Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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