i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
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