Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
