the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
