i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
