i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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