I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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