nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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