I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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