my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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