Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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