My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize