Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
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