I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
