I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
