Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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