the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
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