Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
