You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
