Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
