you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
