I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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