final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
