my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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