I heard we made out
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
