You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
