Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
