my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
