if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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