I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
