I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
