I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
