Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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