but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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