I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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