just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
