I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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