she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
We have so much sex to catch up on
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
