Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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