Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
