I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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