he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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