dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
