Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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