I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Need sex. Gaining weight.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Randomize
