im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize