just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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