Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
