No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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