he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
