Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
