I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Gay?
German.
Pity.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
